Kitty was OK; this was more of a social visit. Dr Shirley had moved and her clinic was across town. I was glad to see her, and so was Kitty. After a brief visit, we left.
On the way back, Bob and I decided that we ought to eat and decided to reroute down to the Strip District. This is the area in Pittsburgh where a lot of good foods come into town, and is just about the only place in the area where one can get decent seafood. At least in my opinion. We decided to hit Wholley’s Seafood for lunch.
”Bring Kitty in with us?” asked Bob.
”Why not. We’ll get him a little piece of halibut.” I answered.
”Ever occur to you that the little guy might go nuts in a seafood place?”
”I planned on it”, I replied.
”A cat in a seafood restaurant oughta be more chaotic than 19 blind lesbians on a tuna boat! Oh, well, what the hell.”
I grabbed my cane, doffed my shades, grabbed the little guy and off we went. Kitty was making a beeline for Wholley’s.
None of us wanted to get booted out, so we played this deal pretty straight. Some boss type looked at us, but decided that he’d probably better shut up and take us at face value. A blind patron, his pal and his guide animal.
He even asked if kitty wanted anything and fixed him up with a very nice piece of baked halibut. Free. Pretty nice of him.
Bob and I had a cup of chowder and a pretty good fish sandwich. We all ate and left.
Bob was chuckling that we’d gotten away with bringing Kitty in with us.
We were headed back to the truck when I saw her.
”Bob, target of opportunity, range 75 yards, It’s that damned reporter that raised hell at the match a while ago” I said, quietly.
”Oh, shit!” said Bob. And with that, he peeled off out of formation like a P-51 pilot after an ME-109. He vanished.
Kitty and I proceeded and the reporter addressed me. I played dumb and kept moving.
”Hey, you with the cat!” she said, loudly.
”Who, Me?” I asked.
”Is that a guide animal?” she asked.
”Now what do you think?” I answered, just on the edge of nasty.
”Would you like to see yourself on TV?”
”Whadda you, some kind of magic eye doctor?” I snapped.
”Oh, I’m sorry”. Anyway, I’m a reporter from STUV-TV and we’d like to interview you. We’ve never seen a cat used as a guide animal and it might make a pretty good human interest story.”
Bam! Snagged the bitch! Payback time!
A few years back when the media was playing the “militia scare” business up, this little twit had shown up at a local sportsman’s club and shot film of the rapid fire portion of the National Match course, zooming in on 2 National Guardsman and a Vet in BDUs. That evening it was aired in the context of being some sort of ¡ “Paramilitary training” going on in the area. The club came damned close to shutting down their DCM/CMP program for a while.
And here I had the bitch! Cameraman and all. HAH! I’ll fix THIS twit!
So I gave her an interview.
I stood there with Kitty, and looked off center toward the camera and explained how Kitty had been trained by a retired Barnum and Bailey lion tamer, and that HMOs are starting to use trained cats instead of dogs, and in general, with a straight face, gave her the biggest crock of pure, 100% unadulterated first-class bullshit that I’ve ever produced.
When the interview was over, Kitty and I started up the sidewalk. Neighbor Bob popped straight out of nowhere and rejoined the formation. He had pretty much heard it all and was laughing himself silly.
We drove home and watched the news nightly for the next week.
Nothing.
I went back to work and forgot about it. I guess they figured out that they’d been had and hadn’t used the tape. It became a dead issue.
I was at sea weeks later, and as I crawled out of the rack, my shipmate looked at me.
”Some guy name a Bob called. He says call home” He said.
I called. Mrs. Pic told me an anonymous caller that was looking for me worried her. She said that there was something about the voice that worried her a bit. She also gave him a date to call me.
I assured her things would be all right, and reminded her that the .45 was ready to go.
A few days ago, when I got home, the caller called again.
He told me that there had been chaos in the TV station a day after the interview. Just a couple minutes before airtime, the cameraman had run a computer search on the subject of “Seeing Eye Cats” and had gotten a link to ARFCOM. Chaos had reigned as they replaced the interview at the last minute with some copy they had on file about something or another. (Mrs. Murphy supplies Mexican Army with Clam Chowder comes to mind.)
Had the interview aired, there would be a good chance that a competitor would have aired it poking fun at the other TV station. This means it probably would have gone national.
The following morning the reporter stomped down to the Police Station demanding that the evil perp that had lied to her be apprehended. The desk sergeant took her complaint and told her he’d look into it.
(Right now my vision is in Black and White. Ol’ Sarge picks up a foot tall Mike: “Calling all cars, Calling all cars, Be on the lookout for a guy with a Seeing Eye Cat¡. Approach with caution! Cat has been reported to be an extremely vicious trained attack cat (Sirens start to whine. A Motorcycle cop adjusts his cap, pulls down his goggles, kick-starts the Harley and comes out from behind the billboard. I watch too much AMC)
Truth is that he most likely tossed the complaint into the trash can, or perhaps used it to entertain the oncoming shift during briefing.
He also asked me NOT to bring Kitty into the city for a while.
Whoever you are, Thank you!
CAV-AID 2008
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tokie and I get an eyeful
SEC and I get an eyeful.
The pesky little bastard woke me up early, so we went out early. I grabbed a breakfast sandwich at the local 7-11.
We went to the park, which is near a bus stop.I had my cane and shades on. We sit on a bench and I break open my sandwich and open a can of food for Kitty.
At the nearby bus stop I watch a woman hand this fat broad something. She goes into the park. She pulls a 'Leggs egg' out of her bag.
She sits down on the bench across from me. Takes a quick glance at me and hikes up her skirt and promptly starts changing her panty hose.
I was looking into space. About the time she was pulling her panty hose up, I raised my shades and said:
"Hmmm. My kid brother's Basset Hound has better makings than you."
She lets go a scream.
"But I thought you were blind!"
"What ever gave you that idea?" I asked.
"You got a cane and sunglasses and a guide animal!!"
"It's bright out, this is a walking stick, and whoever heard of a cat as a guide animal?
Besides, you made a really big mistake."
"What's that?"
"You thought."
Thank God the bus arrived.
This whole mess started as a trip to visit the vet. As I was leaving, neighbor Bob hopped in with me just to get away for a while. I had packed my white cane and shades because Dr Shirley thinks it’s funny to see us come into the clinic like that. It draws looks from patients.
The pesky little bastard woke me up early, so we went out early. I grabbed a breakfast sandwich at the local 7-11.
We went to the park, which is near a bus stop.I had my cane and shades on. We sit on a bench and I break open my sandwich and open a can of food for Kitty.
At the nearby bus stop I watch a woman hand this fat broad something. She goes into the park. She pulls a 'Leggs egg' out of her bag.
She sits down on the bench across from me. Takes a quick glance at me and hikes up her skirt and promptly starts changing her panty hose.
I was looking into space. About the time she was pulling her panty hose up, I raised my shades and said:
"Hmmm. My kid brother's Basset Hound has better makings than you."
She lets go a scream.
"But I thought you were blind!"
"What ever gave you that idea?" I asked.
"You got a cane and sunglasses and a guide animal!!"
"It's bright out, this is a walking stick, and whoever heard of a cat as a guide animal?
Besides, you made a really big mistake."
"What's that?"
"You thought."
Thank God the bus arrived.
This whole mess started as a trip to visit the vet. As I was leaving, neighbor Bob hopped in with me just to get away for a while. I had packed my white cane and shades because Dr Shirley thinks it’s funny to see us come into the clinic like that. It draws looks from patients.
a VERY risky undertaking.
The girl in question has since graduated from High School and is now in college.
My neighbor's kid took a spill at basketball and got a pretty healthy sized bruise. No biggie.
The next day at school, the math teacher, a 1st year, high-strung rookie about 23-24 yo) took 1 look at the bruise and instantly called the child welfare people without asking anybody anything about it. Bam! just like that. No chain of command thru the principal, no questions, no nothing! That ain't right!
Of course, there was a brief investigation. No wrongdoing of any kind, still my neighbor was pissed of to the max because he was 'now in the system'.
I got him calmed down and what we did was evil.
He called the school and told them that I was going to pick up his kid after basketball practice. He gave me a note. He waited at home.
I took kitty and we got out of the pickup around the corner, out of sight. Kitty and I did the SEC bit and Trish and Ms Crunt were at the door. I handed the note to the teacher and Trish led me off to the truck asking me who was driving. I said I would if she told me which way to go.
Then Trish asked if we could go to the rifle range on the way home.
Ms Crunt went through the roof babbling all sorts of craziness about a blind man driving and taking a little kid shooting. She followed us out to the truck screaming and babbling all sorts of shit. God, it was funny! Kitty made a beeline for the truck, as he HATES yelling. I followed, guides partly by cane, partly by Trish.
With her carrying on and Trish and I totally ignoring her, it's a good thing there were no witnesses. They'd have taken all three of us straight to the booby hatch.
We got in and fired up the rig and drove off amid threats of LEOs and Child welfare people.
Fifty feet out, we both started laughing so hard I almost had a for real accident.
The bait had been put out, the trap set.
Shortly after I dropped Trish off, Bob got 2 calls, 1 from the principal and the other from Child welfare. Meeting set for after school Mon.
Bob later said that he fenced pretty well with them and managed to make Ms Crunt look like the idiot she is. ('Whadda ya mean blind guy?' He's a Merchant Marine Officer!)
Then he went in for the kill.
He dialed me on the cell phone and I was there inside a couple of minutes, in a jacket and tie, wearing sunglasses. Trish met me at the door and took me to the conference room by the hand.
"That's him! There's the blind man!"
I took off my sunglasses and looked at her like she was nuts.
"You're gonna get fat if you keep up your exercise program," I said.
"What?"
"Running off at the mouth, jumping to conclusions, and dragging a good man's name through the mud is NOT good exercise," I said.
"But you has a cane and a guide animal!"
"The cane was a stick. I twisted my ankle a bit. Blind people use a foldup cane, if you never noticed, and the animal was a CAT. Who ever heard of a seeing eye cat? That's a good one, Seeing Eye Cat!"
I shook my head, looking at her like she was nuts, and laughed.
The kiddie cop laughed outright. "Seeing eye cat, that's pretty good," he said.
Even the principal smiled.
Ms.Crunt sat there looking pretty damned stupid!
The kiddie cop asked about the rifle range.
Mike said that Trish goes there to practice her Archery so she'll be ready for Spring Archery season, coming up soon. He pointed out that archery was a SCHOOL ACTIVITY and Trish took it last year, and planned to take it again.
As far as the rifle part went, He said that although he never owned a firearm and didn't see getting one in the future, that he wanted to have his daughter learn to safely know how to handle one in case someone ever handed her one.
Then he said, "Capt Pic is on several fine rifle teams and is obviously the guy to teach her. He's actually shot in the National Matches!"(Yeah, the JCG and Springfield matches. BFD)
The kiddie cop seemed impressed, which surprised me to no end. He actually said gun safety was a good idea!
Ms Crunt pouted. She looked on the verge of tears.
I then answered several questions about Bob and his relationship with Trish and then was asked to take Trish home.
We quietly hung outside the room for a while before we left, and there was all sorts of teary sobbing as the Kiddie cop and the Principal went to work on poor little Ms Crunt.
They hammered her big time.
I heard the principal tell little Ms Crunt that "If she saw 50' flames, she was NOT to call the Fire Department until she had notified her first!" More tears.
Trish and I left,with me stopping off on the way home at the liquor store for a 1/2 pint. I was shaking like a leaf. The after action shakes.I needed a belt just to settle down.
We waited about an hour.
Bob returned.
Final score: Lions-5; Christians-0.
1.Teacher on probation.
2. Principal pleading for no lawsuit.(agreed)
3.Kid gets tuition for free to grade 12.
4.Kiddie cop made everything go away except 1st contact report, and put a note on that declaring initial complaint proved to be a questionably criminal act on the part of Ms Crunt.(ouch!)
5. Trish pulled out of Ms Crunt's math class and put in another a bit more advanced, and the teacher there is supposed to 'work with Trish' to help her catch up.
Bob owes me a steak dinner,and a new pair of shorts. Kitty gets gourmet food and goes back into retirement.
CAV-AID 2008
My neighbor's kid took a spill at basketball and got a pretty healthy sized bruise. No biggie.
The next day at school, the math teacher, a 1st year, high-strung rookie about 23-24 yo) took 1 look at the bruise and instantly called the child welfare people without asking anybody anything about it. Bam! just like that. No chain of command thru the principal, no questions, no nothing! That ain't right!
Of course, there was a brief investigation. No wrongdoing of any kind, still my neighbor was pissed of to the max because he was 'now in the system'.
I got him calmed down and what we did was evil.
He called the school and told them that I was going to pick up his kid after basketball practice. He gave me a note. He waited at home.
I took kitty and we got out of the pickup around the corner, out of sight. Kitty and I did the SEC bit and Trish and Ms Crunt were at the door. I handed the note to the teacher and Trish led me off to the truck asking me who was driving. I said I would if she told me which way to go.
Then Trish asked if we could go to the rifle range on the way home.
Ms Crunt went through the roof babbling all sorts of craziness about a blind man driving and taking a little kid shooting. She followed us out to the truck screaming and babbling all sorts of shit. God, it was funny! Kitty made a beeline for the truck, as he HATES yelling. I followed, guides partly by cane, partly by Trish.
With her carrying on and Trish and I totally ignoring her, it's a good thing there were no witnesses. They'd have taken all three of us straight to the booby hatch.
We got in and fired up the rig and drove off amid threats of LEOs and Child welfare people.
Fifty feet out, we both started laughing so hard I almost had a for real accident.
The bait had been put out, the trap set.
Shortly after I dropped Trish off, Bob got 2 calls, 1 from the principal and the other from Child welfare. Meeting set for after school Mon.
Bob later said that he fenced pretty well with them and managed to make Ms Crunt look like the idiot she is. ('Whadda ya mean blind guy?' He's a Merchant Marine Officer!)
Then he went in for the kill.
He dialed me on the cell phone and I was there inside a couple of minutes, in a jacket and tie, wearing sunglasses. Trish met me at the door and took me to the conference room by the hand.
"That's him! There's the blind man!"
I took off my sunglasses and looked at her like she was nuts.
"You're gonna get fat if you keep up your exercise program," I said.
"What?"
"Running off at the mouth, jumping to conclusions, and dragging a good man's name through the mud is NOT good exercise," I said.
"But you has a cane and a guide animal!"
"The cane was a stick. I twisted my ankle a bit. Blind people use a foldup cane, if you never noticed, and the animal was a CAT. Who ever heard of a seeing eye cat? That's a good one, Seeing Eye Cat!"
I shook my head, looking at her like she was nuts, and laughed.
The kiddie cop laughed outright. "Seeing eye cat, that's pretty good," he said.
Even the principal smiled.
Ms.Crunt sat there looking pretty damned stupid!
The kiddie cop asked about the rifle range.
Mike said that Trish goes there to practice her Archery so she'll be ready for Spring Archery season, coming up soon. He pointed out that archery was a SCHOOL ACTIVITY and Trish took it last year, and planned to take it again.
As far as the rifle part went, He said that although he never owned a firearm and didn't see getting one in the future, that he wanted to have his daughter learn to safely know how to handle one in case someone ever handed her one.
Then he said, "Capt Pic is on several fine rifle teams and is obviously the guy to teach her. He's actually shot in the National Matches!"(Yeah, the JCG and Springfield matches. BFD)
The kiddie cop seemed impressed, which surprised me to no end. He actually said gun safety was a good idea!
Ms Crunt pouted. She looked on the verge of tears.
I then answered several questions about Bob and his relationship with Trish and then was asked to take Trish home.
We quietly hung outside the room for a while before we left, and there was all sorts of teary sobbing as the Kiddie cop and the Principal went to work on poor little Ms Crunt.
They hammered her big time.
I heard the principal tell little Ms Crunt that "If she saw 50' flames, she was NOT to call the Fire Department until she had notified her first!" More tears.
Trish and I left,with me stopping off on the way home at the liquor store for a 1/2 pint. I was shaking like a leaf. The after action shakes.I needed a belt just to settle down.
We waited about an hour.
Bob returned.
Final score: Lions-5; Christians-0.
1.Teacher on probation.
2. Principal pleading for no lawsuit.(agreed)
3.Kid gets tuition for free to grade 12.
4.Kiddie cop made everything go away except 1st contact report, and put a note on that declaring initial complaint proved to be a questionably criminal act on the part of Ms Crunt.(ouch!)
5. Trish pulled out of Ms Crunt's math class and put in another a bit more advanced, and the teacher there is supposed to 'work with Trish' to help her catch up.
Bob owes me a steak dinner,and a new pair of shorts. Kitty gets gourmet food and goes back into retirement.
CAV-AID 2008
We go to Wally World
NO––––Say Again––––NO animals are to be hurt in any way in this possible caper. NONE!
You need a 4' by 1/2 inch dowel painted white with a red, say 6" tip, a pair of sunglasses, a leash and a harness for the cat.
BEAT THIS:
OK, I needed a hand with this one, so I grabbed Neighbor Bob and his
kid. Bob drove, we arrived and he took my arm and led Kitty and I to the
door and in we went. The old bag was there.
You guys all know the type, she was probably pretty about 55 years ago,
and as her beauty faded, she replaced it with makeup and cheap perfume.
She's also the type that comes totally unglued easily. I think the
Wallyworld people won't let her wear any cheap perfume, which is a relief
for everyone.
When we got near the old bag, she came toward us and offered me one of
those dopey little go-carts in a VERY loud voice.
Any of you guys out there that are genuinely handicapped can tell the
rest of us that people often do this to them. It is really annoying to
them and it was annoying to me.(Just because your legs may not work
doesn't mean you're deaf, dammit!)
I politely asked her how she expected me to steer one of those dopey
carts. She got a bit embarrassed.
Duh!
Anyway, she fawned over me a bit and asked me if the little guy was a
real live seeing-eye cat.
"Absolutely," I replied.
Bob squeezed my arm and off we went to sporting goods. I hit an end
counter with my knee, another with my foot, and plowed into a support post
and chewed Bob out for not paying attention.We got to sporting goods.
I wanted to buy a box of .223 ammo any watch the clerk get weirded out.
What I DIDN'T know is that Bob and darling daughter had already
rehearsed their act.
The sporting goods guy came out. He asked me what I wanted, and I told
him I wanted a box of .223FMJ 55 grainers.
"A gift for a friend?," he asked.
"Nope. For my Mini-14," I replied. "Anyone tried to break in and
they're toast."
"How do you shoot, are you just legally blind, or what?"
"Blind as a bat," I replied.
Bob's kid spoke up: "He shoots for a living. He's a trickshot."
He gave the kid a dirty look.
"We all work for Barnum and Bailey," said Bob."He's a trickshot, I'm an
accountant and my wife's a lion tamer."
The guy gave Bob's kid an apologetic look.
"Do you work in the Circus?" he asked the kid.
"Yeah, I work with him," said the kid, looking at me. "He shoots the
pinwheel I hold."
"You hold up a pinwheel and he shoots it?"
"Yes, I hold it in my teeth and give it a spin. When he hears the whir
it makes, he shoots."
"How long is the stick?" he asked.
"About four inches", said the kid, casually.
The guy went straight into shock when he heard that.
The clerk recovered and looked at Bob.You raise your family on the road
in the circus,Huh? how many kids do you have?"
"Had 4, got 3 now.We lost one some time back."
He didn't ask how. But the dubious look he gave me made me think that
he thought I'd shot one of my buddy's kids under the Big Top.
Then he asked me about the little guy and said that he was the first
seeing eye cat he'd ever seen. I explained that Bob's wife, the lion
tamer, had trained the little guy in her spare time, and went on a while
about the advantages of seeing eye cats over dogs.
He asked me what defensive measures I take if a dog tried to attack the
little guy.
I explained to him that there was a little known Federal Law that
permitted blind people with seeing eye cats to carry concealed handguns to
defend their cats from vicious dogs.
"Gee, who da ever guessed?"
It was the kid that saw her first, and gave me the high sign. Out of
the corner of my eye I saw the 'People Greeter'. She'd left her post and
was nearby picking up the phone. The kid sidled near her, and listened.
"Cops," said the kid.
The jig was up!( Leonard Skinner music here: Give me 3 steps)
The old bag looked up at us. "I've seen you in here before, and you're
not blind. It's against the law to bring an animal in here!" she nearly
shouted.
Had she threatened me first with the cops, I probably could have
'brassed it out' with threats of a huge lawsuit, but she had gotten uppity
and called the bulls first.
I scooped up the little guy, and Bob tossed his truck keys to the kid
who took off like a shot. It's common knowledge that the township out
here has EXCELLENT police response time.
Bob and I walked pretty quickly to the door, as not to stir up too much
attention and when we hit the pavement, the little guy went up under my
sweat shirt and promptly got really pissed off and started scratching
the hell out of me. Ny new asshole is now about three inches above my
naval.Bob was heading straight for the truck. I headed toward the exit.
Nobody followed us into the lot, but the old bag stood in the door,
trying to keep her eye on me.
By the time Bob got to the pickup, the engine was running, and all the
doors were unlocked. He unparked and headed toward me at the exit. The
kid popped open the door, and we made a pretty good 'Bonnie and
Clyde'exit. Out to the highway, we hooked a right and not an eighth of a mile
down the road, we saw the local LEOs coming with lights flashing.
I let Kitty out of his hiding place inside my sweat shirt, and he
looked pretty upset, but got over it. Three miles down the road, we got on
the Interstate and we were home-free.
I wonder what had happened if we hadn't unassed the area fast enough
and had gotten caught.
CAV-AID 2008
"Let me get this straight...A bunch of skinny, under-nourished, tree-hugging granola munchers are threatening
You need a 4' by 1/2 inch dowel painted white with a red, say 6" tip, a pair of sunglasses, a leash and a harness for the cat.
BEAT THIS:
OK, I needed a hand with this one, so I grabbed Neighbor Bob and his
kid. Bob drove, we arrived and he took my arm and led Kitty and I to the
door and in we went. The old bag was there.
You guys all know the type, she was probably pretty about 55 years ago,
and as her beauty faded, she replaced it with makeup and cheap perfume.
She's also the type that comes totally unglued easily. I think the
Wallyworld people won't let her wear any cheap perfume, which is a relief
for everyone.
When we got near the old bag, she came toward us and offered me one of
those dopey little go-carts in a VERY loud voice.
Any of you guys out there that are genuinely handicapped can tell the
rest of us that people often do this to them. It is really annoying to
them and it was annoying to me.(Just because your legs may not work
doesn't mean you're deaf, dammit!)
I politely asked her how she expected me to steer one of those dopey
carts. She got a bit embarrassed.
Duh!
Anyway, she fawned over me a bit and asked me if the little guy was a
real live seeing-eye cat.
"Absolutely," I replied.
Bob squeezed my arm and off we went to sporting goods. I hit an end
counter with my knee, another with my foot, and plowed into a support post
and chewed Bob out for not paying attention.We got to sporting goods.
I wanted to buy a box of .223 ammo any watch the clerk get weirded out.
What I DIDN'T know is that Bob and darling daughter had already
rehearsed their act.
The sporting goods guy came out. He asked me what I wanted, and I told
him I wanted a box of .223FMJ 55 grainers.
"A gift for a friend?," he asked.
"Nope. For my Mini-14," I replied. "Anyone tried to break in and
they're toast."
"How do you shoot, are you just legally blind, or what?"
"Blind as a bat," I replied.
Bob's kid spoke up: "He shoots for a living. He's a trickshot."
He gave the kid a dirty look.
"We all work for Barnum and Bailey," said Bob."He's a trickshot, I'm an
accountant and my wife's a lion tamer."
The guy gave Bob's kid an apologetic look.
"Do you work in the Circus?" he asked the kid.
"Yeah, I work with him," said the kid, looking at me. "He shoots the
pinwheel I hold."
"You hold up a pinwheel and he shoots it?"
"Yes, I hold it in my teeth and give it a spin. When he hears the whir
it makes, he shoots."
"How long is the stick?" he asked.
"About four inches", said the kid, casually.
The guy went straight into shock when he heard that.
The clerk recovered and looked at Bob.You raise your family on the road
in the circus,Huh? how many kids do you have?"
"Had 4, got 3 now.We lost one some time back."
He didn't ask how. But the dubious look he gave me made me think that
he thought I'd shot one of my buddy's kids under the Big Top.
Then he asked me about the little guy and said that he was the first
seeing eye cat he'd ever seen. I explained that Bob's wife, the lion
tamer, had trained the little guy in her spare time, and went on a while
about the advantages of seeing eye cats over dogs.
He asked me what defensive measures I take if a dog tried to attack the
little guy.
I explained to him that there was a little known Federal Law that
permitted blind people with seeing eye cats to carry concealed handguns to
defend their cats from vicious dogs.
"Gee, who da ever guessed?"
It was the kid that saw her first, and gave me the high sign. Out of
the corner of my eye I saw the 'People Greeter'. She'd left her post and
was nearby picking up the phone. The kid sidled near her, and listened.
"Cops," said the kid.
The jig was up!( Leonard Skinner music here: Give me 3 steps)
The old bag looked up at us. "I've seen you in here before, and you're
not blind. It's against the law to bring an animal in here!" she nearly
shouted.
Had she threatened me first with the cops, I probably could have
'brassed it out' with threats of a huge lawsuit, but she had gotten uppity
and called the bulls first.
I scooped up the little guy, and Bob tossed his truck keys to the kid
who took off like a shot. It's common knowledge that the township out
here has EXCELLENT police response time.
Bob and I walked pretty quickly to the door, as not to stir up too much
attention and when we hit the pavement, the little guy went up under my
sweat shirt and promptly got really pissed off and started scratching
the hell out of me. Ny new asshole is now about three inches above my
naval.Bob was heading straight for the truck. I headed toward the exit.
Nobody followed us into the lot, but the old bag stood in the door,
trying to keep her eye on me.
By the time Bob got to the pickup, the engine was running, and all the
doors were unlocked. He unparked and headed toward me at the exit. The
kid popped open the door, and we made a pretty good 'Bonnie and
Clyde'exit. Out to the highway, we hooked a right and not an eighth of a mile
down the road, we saw the local LEOs coming with lights flashing.
I let Kitty out of his hiding place inside my sweat shirt, and he
looked pretty upset, but got over it. Three miles down the road, we got on
the Interstate and we were home-free.
I wonder what had happened if we hadn't unassed the area fast enough
and had gotten caught.
CAV-AID 2008
"Let me get this straight...A bunch of skinny, under-nourished, tree-hugging granola munchers are threatening
The SEC and I visit Lowes
A lot of readers think that I have the little guy trained. Come on, think about it. Has anyone ever seen anyone get a cat to do anything that a cat didn’t want to do? Hah!
Fat chance! You should live so long!
No, a cat is a cat, and trying to get a cat to act like a dog is like trying to get a brick to carry on an intelligent conversation. On the other hand, one might have better luck with a brick.
The SEC will walk with me on a damned short leash, but that’s about all. The only reason the little guy will do that is because he knows that it’s the only way he can get out of the house.
Today I decided to take the little guy into Lowe’s. I also decided, rather foolishly, to put myself at the mercy of the little bastard. I decided to give him a long leash and see what happened.
I short-leashed the little guy into Lowe’s and got him into the main aisle before I cut him some slack. The place wasn’t too crowded, so I felt safe doing so. Of course, being a cat, he promptly jumped on top of a display and took a nap, leaving me standing there with my thumb up my ass and a leash in my hand for about twenty minutes.
I stood there and muttered threats, much like Popeye in the early cartoons.
After about twenty minutes, I grew impatient and growled at him. He woke up, hopped off of the display and started down the aisle. After a couple aisles, he wandered into the tool cage, with me firmly attached to the little guy.
Of course, someone offered to help me.
“Yeah, could you direct me to the Paint Department?” I asked.
He started to give me directions. I interrupted.
“Don’t tell me, tell HIM.” I said shaking the leash.
“The cat? Can I give him directions?”
“Absolutely.”
So the tool guy gets down on his knee and starts giving the cat directions.
Of course, the cat looks at him with a bored look of scorn.
When he’s done, I shorten up the leash and the two of us go straight to the paint department, with the tool clerk behind us, slack-jawed. We got to the paint department and the woman there asks us if she can help us.
I tell her to get out a color chart and explain that the cat needs his scratching post and climbing post painted. She asks me what color. I tell her to ask the cat. I pick the little guy up onto the counter and she lays out a color chart.
“What color do you want, kitty?” She asked.
The cat sniffs the color chart like he’s trying to make up his mind.
“Meow.”
So I put him on the floor and tell the woman that we’ll be right back when Kitty decides. The woman looks astonished and we leave.
Kitty seems to want to head in the direction of the lumber section, I give him slack and follow. He promptly cuts a corner and runs me into a post. Whack!
“Ouch! Dammit, pay attention!” I almost shout.
I hear a snort behind me. A glance out of the corner of my eye tells me that the tool guy, probably at the direction of his boss, is following me. This is getting interesting.
Kitty whips a U-turn and we’re back in the main aisle, still headed for lumber.
We’re now dead center in the main aisle and ahead of us is one of those dopey signs announcing some type of sale. The frame of the sign is like an upturned U with a crossbar in the center, below the sign is a two-foot square hole.
Of course, Kitty makes a beeline for it. Straight through the hole. I feel the obstacle with my cane, shove my cane in my belt, and gingerly feel the rim of the hole. I get down on my belly and crawl through and get up again.
I shortened up the leash and picked up Kitty.
“Next time you pull that stunt,” I tell him. “I’m going to replace you with a German Shepherd and take you straight to a Chinese Restaurant! Chin Ho offered me two fifty a pound for your sorry ass!”
The woman beside me looks pretty shaken. She’s probably a cat owner.
I put kitty down, he heads down another aisle, cutting the corner again, and I promptly run into a display and knock out the corner of it. There is now a pile of tape measures on the floor.
“I’ll get it,” says the kid shadowing me.
Kitty gets more threats, whips another U-turn, and we’re off toward the lumber department.
By now, at least a dozen people are shadowing me. Some are amused, but most of them are looking out for my welfare. A management type seems to have figured me out, but dares not say or do anything, lest he be pounced on by an angry mob that will insist that kitty really is a Seeing Eye cat.
A kid of about twelve or thirteen asks me a question.
“Hey, Mister, were you born blind, or did you have an accident?” he asks.
“What?”
“What made you go blind?”
“Masturbation,” I reply, seriously. “I didn’t believe the Nuns at school, but it really does make you go blind.”
The kid pales and takes off. Probably a St Ignatius kid.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy about 40 trying not to pee his pants.
Laughing his ass off, he says, “You probably ruined him for life.”
We move on. Nearing the lumber department, I hear a voice. “Piccolo, is that you?”
I ignore him. Dammit! Ratted out by a fellow ARFCOM member! Now I wish I had brought my chain saw! I’d cut the bastard lips to hips! So I ignore him.
At the lumber department is a huge, wide open door, and kitty makes a beeline for it.
Out we go and I shorten leash and we head for the pickup.
CAV-AID 2008
Fat chance! You should live so long!
No, a cat is a cat, and trying to get a cat to act like a dog is like trying to get a brick to carry on an intelligent conversation. On the other hand, one might have better luck with a brick.
The SEC will walk with me on a damned short leash, but that’s about all. The only reason the little guy will do that is because he knows that it’s the only way he can get out of the house.
Today I decided to take the little guy into Lowe’s. I also decided, rather foolishly, to put myself at the mercy of the little bastard. I decided to give him a long leash and see what happened.
I short-leashed the little guy into Lowe’s and got him into the main aisle before I cut him some slack. The place wasn’t too crowded, so I felt safe doing so. Of course, being a cat, he promptly jumped on top of a display and took a nap, leaving me standing there with my thumb up my ass and a leash in my hand for about twenty minutes.
I stood there and muttered threats, much like Popeye in the early cartoons.
After about twenty minutes, I grew impatient and growled at him. He woke up, hopped off of the display and started down the aisle. After a couple aisles, he wandered into the tool cage, with me firmly attached to the little guy.
Of course, someone offered to help me.
“Yeah, could you direct me to the Paint Department?” I asked.
He started to give me directions. I interrupted.
“Don’t tell me, tell HIM.” I said shaking the leash.
“The cat? Can I give him directions?”
“Absolutely.”
So the tool guy gets down on his knee and starts giving the cat directions.
Of course, the cat looks at him with a bored look of scorn.
When he’s done, I shorten up the leash and the two of us go straight to the paint department, with the tool clerk behind us, slack-jawed. We got to the paint department and the woman there asks us if she can help us.
I tell her to get out a color chart and explain that the cat needs his scratching post and climbing post painted. She asks me what color. I tell her to ask the cat. I pick the little guy up onto the counter and she lays out a color chart.
“What color do you want, kitty?” She asked.
The cat sniffs the color chart like he’s trying to make up his mind.
“Meow.”
So I put him on the floor and tell the woman that we’ll be right back when Kitty decides. The woman looks astonished and we leave.
Kitty seems to want to head in the direction of the lumber section, I give him slack and follow. He promptly cuts a corner and runs me into a post. Whack!
“Ouch! Dammit, pay attention!” I almost shout.
I hear a snort behind me. A glance out of the corner of my eye tells me that the tool guy, probably at the direction of his boss, is following me. This is getting interesting.
Kitty whips a U-turn and we’re back in the main aisle, still headed for lumber.
We’re now dead center in the main aisle and ahead of us is one of those dopey signs announcing some type of sale. The frame of the sign is like an upturned U with a crossbar in the center, below the sign is a two-foot square hole.
Of course, Kitty makes a beeline for it. Straight through the hole. I feel the obstacle with my cane, shove my cane in my belt, and gingerly feel the rim of the hole. I get down on my belly and crawl through and get up again.
I shortened up the leash and picked up Kitty.
“Next time you pull that stunt,” I tell him. “I’m going to replace you with a German Shepherd and take you straight to a Chinese Restaurant! Chin Ho offered me two fifty a pound for your sorry ass!”
The woman beside me looks pretty shaken. She’s probably a cat owner.
I put kitty down, he heads down another aisle, cutting the corner again, and I promptly run into a display and knock out the corner of it. There is now a pile of tape measures on the floor.
“I’ll get it,” says the kid shadowing me.
Kitty gets more threats, whips another U-turn, and we’re off toward the lumber department.
By now, at least a dozen people are shadowing me. Some are amused, but most of them are looking out for my welfare. A management type seems to have figured me out, but dares not say or do anything, lest he be pounced on by an angry mob that will insist that kitty really is a Seeing Eye cat.
A kid of about twelve or thirteen asks me a question.
“Hey, Mister, were you born blind, or did you have an accident?” he asks.
“What?”
“What made you go blind?”
“Masturbation,” I reply, seriously. “I didn’t believe the Nuns at school, but it really does make you go blind.”
The kid pales and takes off. Probably a St Ignatius kid.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy about 40 trying not to pee his pants.
Laughing his ass off, he says, “You probably ruined him for life.”
We move on. Nearing the lumber department, I hear a voice. “Piccolo, is that you?”
I ignore him. Dammit! Ratted out by a fellow ARFCOM member! Now I wish I had brought my chain saw! I’d cut the bastard lips to hips! So I ignore him.
At the lumber department is a huge, wide open door, and kitty makes a beeline for it.
Out we go and I shorten leash and we head for the pickup.
CAV-AID 2008
We lay low awhile. Thanks, Officer
The reason for no SEC tales recently.
02/10/2004 : 14:41:21
Kitty and I are laying low.
We're waiting for the heat to die down.
Boy, we really went and did it this time!
It's been a couple of months, and I don't see us rearing our heads for AT LEAST a couple more weeks.
We came DAMNED CLOSE to being on nationwide TV and giving a certain anti RKBA reporter some SERIOUS payback!
My recon sources tell me that we got reported to the PGH PD.(Who are probably ROFLAO’ing)
I’ll be damned if I know who this caller is. I figure he’s a cop, because he knew just about everything. This tale of woe would NOT be written if it weren’t for an anonymous phone caller. He called when I was at work, and made Mrs Pic pretty nervous. Mrs. Pic told him to call back when I was home.
He did, and filled me in on the details of what later happened in the TV station AND the Police station.
I respected his anonymity. I made no effort to *69 him or find out who he is.
I KNOW that the caller has visited this website. Maybe as a member, maybe as a lurker. I don’t know. I THINK he’s a cop.
Anyway, thank you, Mr. Caller.
02/10/2004 : 14:41:21
Kitty and I are laying low.
We're waiting for the heat to die down.
Boy, we really went and did it this time!
It's been a couple of months, and I don't see us rearing our heads for AT LEAST a couple more weeks.
We came DAMNED CLOSE to being on nationwide TV and giving a certain anti RKBA reporter some SERIOUS payback!
My recon sources tell me that we got reported to the PGH PD.(Who are probably ROFLAO’ing)
I’ll be damned if I know who this caller is. I figure he’s a cop, because he knew just about everything. This tale of woe would NOT be written if it weren’t for an anonymous phone caller. He called when I was at work, and made Mrs Pic pretty nervous. Mrs. Pic told him to call back when I was home.
He did, and filled me in on the details of what later happened in the TV station AND the Police station.
I respected his anonymity. I made no effort to *69 him or find out who he is.
I KNOW that the caller has visited this website. Maybe as a member, maybe as a lurker. I don’t know. I THINK he’s a cop.
Anyway, thank you, Mr. Caller.
Some time after Tokie died
Gotta go BACK to Emerald City. The Water Department.
Last time I was there the SEC was still with me and we had a little fun.
In I walk, go to the desk and explain the problem. The woman askes me if I once had a vision problem. I KNOW where this is going. Busted.
Almost.
So I tell her I was legally blind for seven years.
"Cornea transplant?" she asks.
"Cat died," I reply.
"I remember the cat," she said. " How did that get your vision back?"
"Seven or eight years ago, my wife rescued a stray cat. I didn't know I was allergic to them and after a couple weeks , my eyes shut solid. Doctors couldn't figure it out. I asked my HMO for a guide dog, but they only offered to train my cat to do guide duty. All along it was making me worse, and nobody ever had a clue. The cat was keeping my eyes shut. When the cat died, my eyes got better.
"Really?"
"What do you think," I snapped indignantly. "How would you like to spend seven years being led around by a damned cat?"
She didn't know what to say. I'm sure she figured it was all bullshit, but she knew if it wasn't, it could cost her job.
She changed the subject, took instant care of the bill and got me out of there fast.
Not bad for off the top of my head, Huh?
CAV-AID 2008
Last time I was there the SEC was still with me and we had a little fun.
In I walk, go to the desk and explain the problem. The woman askes me if I once had a vision problem. I KNOW where this is going. Busted.
Almost.
So I tell her I was legally blind for seven years.
"Cornea transplant?" she asks.
"Cat died," I reply.
"I remember the cat," she said. " How did that get your vision back?"
"Seven or eight years ago, my wife rescued a stray cat. I didn't know I was allergic to them and after a couple weeks , my eyes shut solid. Doctors couldn't figure it out. I asked my HMO for a guide dog, but they only offered to train my cat to do guide duty. All along it was making me worse, and nobody ever had a clue. The cat was keeping my eyes shut. When the cat died, my eyes got better.
"Really?"
"What do you think," I snapped indignantly. "How would you like to spend seven years being led around by a damned cat?"
She didn't know what to say. I'm sure she figured it was all bullshit, but she knew if it wasn't, it could cost her job.
She changed the subject, took instant care of the bill and got me out of there fast.
Not bad for off the top of my head, Huh?
CAV-AID 2008
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)